everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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