Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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