last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
And then he peed in my hair
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