You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
