I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
