Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
