Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
