the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
