yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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