Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
