He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize