Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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