I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
