chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
