You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
