I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
