phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
