i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
