So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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