I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize