Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
