You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
