i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
