We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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