I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
