i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
