I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
