In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
