When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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