I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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