I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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