I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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