I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
