I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
