Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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