I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
