he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
