I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
