at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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