Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
