So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
