I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize