Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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