My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
