white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
