Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
