i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
