My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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