meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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