i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
