Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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