Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
