Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
