I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
