Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
